The Battleship And A Lighthouse

In the darkest part of the night, a ships captain cautiously piloted his warship through the fog-shrouded waters. With straining eyes he scanned the hazy darkness, searching for dangers lurking just out of sight.

Then His worst fears were realised when he saw a bright light straight ahead. It appeared to be a vessel on a collision course with his ship. To avert disaster he quickly radioed the oncoming vessel.

“This is Captain Jeremiah Smith,” his voice crackled over the radio. “Please alter your course 10 degrees south! Over.”

To the captain’s amazement, the foggy image did not move. Instead, he heard back on the radio, “Captain Smith. This is Private Thomas Johnson. please alter your course 10 degrees north! Over.”

Appalled at the audacity of the message, the captain shouted back over the radio, “Private Johnson, this is Captain Smith, and I order you to immediately alter your course 10 degrees south! Over.”

A second time the oncoming light did not budge. “With all due respect Captain Smith,” came the private’s voice again, “I order you to alter your course immediately 10 degrees north! Over.”

Angered and frustrated that this impudent sailor would endanger the lives of his men and crew, the captain growled back over the radio, “Private Johnson. I can have you court-marshaled for this! For the last time, I command you on the authority of the United States government to alter your course 10 degrees to the South! I am a battleship!”

The private’s final transmission was chilling: “Captain Smith, sir. Once again with all due respect, I command you to alter your course 10 degrees to the North! I am a lighthouse!”

A cabbie picks up a Nun

A cabbie picks up a Nun 

She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. 

She asks him why he is staring. 

He replies: ‘I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.’ 

She answers, ‘My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’ 

‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.’ 

She responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that: 

1, you have to be single and 

2, you must be Catholic.’ 

The cab driver is very excited and says, 

‘Yes, I’m single and Catholic!’ 

 ‘OK,’ the nun says. ‘Pull into the next alley.’ 

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. 

 But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 

‘My dear child,’ says the nun, ‘why are you crying?’ 

‘Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.’ 

 The nun says, ‘That’s OK. 

 My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.’